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On time and on budget
At 6pm, Iain Duncan Smith decides to go to the pub. He tells his wife he will take £20, and he will be back by 7.30pm sharp.
By 6.30pm he is at the cashpoint as he has spent his £20 on a computer from Jack Backovan who tells him it’s ‘just what you need’. He withdraws £50 because he pressed the wrong button.
By 7pm he is back there, as he has bought a round for his old mates from the bank, who then vanished, and Jack Backovan has just found him ‘this dead good smartphone’.
At 7.45pm his wife phones him to ask when he is coming back and if there’s enough left from his £20 to get some chips.
“I am on time and on budget” he says.
8pm – cashpoint again. The computer doesn’t work but Jack B has another one, if Iain will pay him a little extra. Plus some old mates from Atos just arrived and he owes them a pint or two. He accidentally orders up £100. Heigh-ho.
8.30 – a slightly tetchy Mrs IDS calls again – she is famished and he is definitely late. IDS denies this; he has decided to roll out his return home on a more cautious basis, and will be home by 9. Yes of course he still has money for chips.
9pm – The Capita boys have been in, they’ve had a bad day, they looked like they needed a drink. They needed a couple actually. And Jack B nipped back in with an interesting upgrade to the computer. Back to the cashpoint.
9.20 pm – A very tetchy call from home, IDS is late. “You will find that I am on time according to the plans I made five minutes ago” he tells his wife. And of course he’s got money left. To the cashpoint.
10pm – Got a bit caught up in a fascinating chat with an acquaintance who says that all the skivers should be chained up and made to work treadmills to power the National Grid. Nice chap. Bought him a few drinks.
10.15 pm – Angry call from home. “You will find I am not ‘horrendously late’, I am returning home at the time I planned, and I shall return with the change from £20 for I am on budget also. Don’t be an ill-fitting anorak dancing on the head of a pin. I am not drunk, that made perfect sense, it’s your fault if you don’t understand me.”
10.30 pm – Cashpoint. Wrong button again. Never mind; that can be tomorrow’s shopping money. To the chip shop. Drops the chips on the way home, and his wallet. Picks up chips, forgets wallet.
11pm – Got a bit lost on the way home, chips are cold, wife very angry. IDS berates her loudly “That is the most pompous, ludicrous statement I have ever heard! I am here on time, I am sober, I have spent less than the £20 agreed, that is my belief!”
Mrs IDS very upset. They have only £53 left to live on for the week.
“That’s plenty.” says IDS confidently.
That’s very creative and amusing. Give that man a Crackerjack pencil.
And IDS a cabbage
How does this man keep his job? What photo’s does he have of Cameron in his desk draw?
Well it certainly bought a smile to my face Andrew, thanks.
Brilliant post Andrew, made my morning!
Brill :)
Andrew - with the ability to convey such fiction so convincingly - have you ever thought of becoming a politician?
How does this man keep his job? What photo’s does he have of Cameron in his desk draw?
Simply because we no longer have a government. We have a large PR machine. The recent reshuffle was meaningless in the sense that no meaningful legislation will be passed between now and the general election so who is in post matters less than what they represent.
Much as we like to debunk IDS and his ilk, the reality is that the spin and inaccuracy and venom plays well with those who they will need to cast their votes to get them re-elected. The government cannot afford for IDS go because there’s no positive way to spin that. It’s failure whichever way you spell it. Once the election is out of the way he can go up, down or sideways (and preferably all three at once) but in the meantime it’s critical to the message that welfare reform is needed and working that he stays.
I have spent less than the £20 agreed, that is my belief!”.........“That’s plenty.” says IDS confidently.
Hmm, just wondering how much was in the cash point machine, how much is IDS’s cash card daily limit?? Seems he’s not accountable, responsible, sensible or believable.
Wonderful post, this.
Andrew, this deserves a wider audience—may I post it on facebook—with acknowledgement of course…?
Paul Moorhouse
Can you e-mail me on p dot neville at sefton dot gov dot uk please?
[ Edited: 16 Jul 2014 at 03:57 pm by nevip ]By all means. It is my belief that these events really happened, that is the reality….(etc etc)