A tale of yuletide cheer

Scene 1 – Cinderella’s cottage. Cinderella, alone, sweeping the hearth.
Enter stepmother (dame John Hutton) and ugly sisters, stage right.

Stepmother: Cinderella have you not finished yet? We’re off to the ball and I want all your chores done by the time we return.
Cinderella: But stepmother, can I go to the ball? I made a claim this morning.
Boys and girls at the call centre: Oh no you didn’t!
Cinderella: Oh yes I did!
Boys and girls at the call centre: Oh no you didn’t!
Cinderella: Oh yes I did!

This goes on for about another 10 minutes.

Cinderella: I did, I have a copy of the form.
Stepmother: That doesn’t count. You have to phone the call centre.
Cinderella: But I don’t have a phone. I have no money. You never pay me. (Starts to cry).
1st ugly sister: Baby!
2nd ugly sister: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Stepmother: Come on girls. Let us go.

Stepmother and ugly sisters exit stage right. Perry Mason, super welfare rights worker enters stage left.

PM: What’s the matter Cinderella.
Cinderella: My stepmother won’t let me go to the ball, she says I haven’t made a claim because I didn’t call the contact centre but I filled in a form, I have a copy. Look!
PM: You don’t have to call the contact centre. I shall fix this.

PM waves magic wand and Cinderella is suddenly wearing a beautiful silver ball gown. PM takes Cinderella into the garden, takes the biggest pumpkin from the patch, waves magic wand and turns the pumpkin into a glorious gold coach. PM then catches 4 white mice, waves magic wand and turns mice into 4 magnificent white horses.

PM: Now Cinderella, you shall go to the ball

Cinderella, shrieks with delight, hugs PM, climbs into coach and speeds on her way.

PM: make sure you’re home by midnight!

At the ball Cinderella has a wonderful time. Prince charming (the decision maker) falls head over heels with her and dances with her all night, much to the annoyance of the ugly sisters who can’t get a look in.

But as the clock begins to strike midnight Cinderella remembers the fairy godmother’s warning and breaks free from the prince’s arms and runs for the door. But in her haste she drops her copy of the claim form. The prince rushes over and picks it up. Fortunately, it has been signed. The prince then scours the land comparing signatures of all single women throughout the realm. Finally, he ends up at Cinderella’s cottage.

Scene 2 – Cinderella’s cottage. The prince knocks on the door. Stepmother answers.

Prince charming: Hello my good woman, do you have any daughters?
Stepmother: Why yes, I have two. Do come in.
Prince charming: I am looking for a fair maiden who was at my ball last night and fled at midnight but as she fled she dropped this form. I am asking all the fair maidens of this land to compare their signatures with the one on this form.
1st ugly sister: Try mine.

She signs her name but it doesn’t compare.

2nd ugly sister: Try mine

Again it doesn’t compare

Prince charming: Have you any more daughters old woman?

The stepmother hesitates.

Prince charming: Well!
Stepmother: Well there is Cinderella but she’s just a scullery maid.
Prince charming: Bring her!

Cinderella appears and signs her name. It’s a match and the prince grasps Cinderella in her arms and immediately proposes. She accepts. However, their glory is cut short by a knock on the door and the delivery of a telegram for Cinderella. It is not good news.

Scene 3 – A dungeon beneath the court of the Star Chamber.

1st officer: Now Cinderella, you are being interviewed under caution. You are not obliged to say anything but anything you do say…er…will be used…er…later you rely on in court…er.. if I said you had a beautiful body will you hold it against me. Do you understand?
Cinderella: (tearfully) yes!
2nd officer: Can you confirm that you ceased to possess a gold coach and 4 horses for the purpose of claiming the benefit of going to the ball?
Cinderella They turned back into a pumpkin and 4 mice.
1st officer: Come now Cinderella, do you think we were born yesterday. The theory of transmutation has yet to be objectively verified.
Cinderella: But they did. Just ask my fairy godmother.
1st officer: And who is that?
Cinderella: That’s Perry Mason a world famous welfare rights worker.
2nd officer: You can’t expect us do believe anything they say do you? charlatans and chancers the lot of ‘em.

This carries on in a similar vein for a further 30 minutes with accusation and denial. Cinderella eventually leaves.

Two months later a Social Security Appeal Tribunal finds that Cinderella did not deprive herself of a gold coach and 4 horses for the purposes of going to the ball, but for the purpose of saving her embarrassment in front of Prince charming. The prosecution case was dropped.

And Cinderella and Prince charming lived happily ever after together as husband and wife!

Seasons greetings everyone!

That's wonderful! You've made my day.

Happy Xmas.

LOL! Perry Mason played by that Mike Shermer? : )

Having just returned from a longish break in warmer and sunnier climes, I've just seen this posting - not quite sure whether or not it's a back handed compliment or not .........you can never tell with that lot north of Watford......

welcome back, Mike. would you be surprised to hear that while you've been away Tony proposed legislation to extend the south of england over the whole of the uk in order to improve election chances and scupper gordon at the same time? me neither... : )

Not at all - anyway, Independence for Scotland is becoming a more attractive proposition by the day, given that half of Whitehall appears to come from that part of the world......

...but there is evidence from her Stepmother that Cinders had full time employment as a scullery maid. Looks like the DWP didn't send a PO to the appeal or s/he would have spotted this and raised it before the Chair.

I think Cinders should ask Prince Charming (who can afford it being a member of the aristocracy) to pay back the money which the tribunal obviously were wrong to award her. Honestly, it's people like her who give all claimants a bad name.

But there was evidence from her local apothecary that all the years of drudgery had left her disabled and so she was not classed as in remunerative work as she was a disabled worker.

Next xmas its "Babes in the Wood and the Child Tax Credit Fiasco".

Disabled by years of drudgery and yet able to dance all night? I hope this case doesn't get appealed to the Commissioners!!

She was having a good day and dosed up on her meds to get through the ball.

Further to the drudgery and the poverty, one of the consequences was that she had to exist on a very poor diet necessitating buying the worst fungus riven rye flour in which to bake her daily bread. The fungus otherwise know as ergot was toxic, and among the symptoms she was stricken with were delusional manic episodes e.g. auditory, visual and olfactory hallucinations. Know in former times as St Vitus's dance.

i think her appeal should be allowed!

I would agree Andy, unless the rumours of her signing up for a couple of the celeb (sic) reality shows are true...she'd be a shoo in for Dancing on Ice lol

Ummmmmmmmmmm.............. i really think i'm out of my depth now, personally i blame my sisters mate Hardip, i could cope while she was buying Heat magazine etc and i could read all her cast offs but she's kicked the habit, and now i'm all at sea bobbing along like one of those containers from the Napoli a few miles along the coast at Branscombe um metaphorically speaking.